... and then there were none ... > 27th February, 2005 Its a long time since I've kept a diary, be it real or virtual. Chocoholic, my journal on Blogger died a slow and painful death when its user was infected with the successful journal annihilator virus - an eventless life. Not to say that my life was very interesting before that... just a bit more full of things I actually liked to do. Come the 11th grade, a new school and tougher courses... the things I used to be passionate about like role-playing, over-analyzing inane mysteries like how the fortune thingies got into the fortune cookies, thinking up angst ridden characters for the different RPGs I frequented and yes, blogging... took a backseat. Well, I guess now they're taking their revenge. My board exams are like two days away and I've spent the past two days staring at the computer screen trying to rediscover my old life... and its been a lot of fun. I'm trying not to think about the measley marks I'm going to get in my boards and how much I'm going to disappoint my parents... I'm trying to think about what a great layout I found for the journal. ^.^ I'm weak, I have absolutely no control... and I'm going to stop trying to do something about it. Its just too late now, and there's no use being bogged down by regrets. YAARGH!! Don't you wish you could just reprogram yourself everytime you made a mistake? Or at least be able to make yourself feel however you want to feel. This is what annoys me about being human. Having a friggin emotional IQ is the last thing you need in times like these. It would be great to be able to just stop thinking and agonizing over stuff when you want to. I wonder how guys manage it. Which brings me to the age old rant. Why... why... WHY do men and women have to be so different? Stony will never understand me. I've made my peace with that. He keeps trying to analyze me all the friggin time, and then gets all superior when he dubs me unreasonable. Well, damn right I'm going to be unreasonable. I don't want him to be my shrink. For one thing, I don't know if he can handle it, and for the other... he's too much the typical guy to really understand. Stony has an uncomplicated solution to everything and he just does not get me wanting to blow everything up into a huge issue. Oscar Wilde once said that a perfect man would give in to all his lover's whims but would never agree to her serious decisions. He understood how women cared more about the frivolous and trivial things rather than the important and weighty stuff. Figures... all the understanding men are gay. I wish Stony would stop thinking of me as a perfectly rational human being; I like being angtsy and feeling misunderstood and wallowing in self-pity. It gives me more to think about. Stony with his one-dimensional thought processes thinks reasonably about everything which bugs the hell out of me. You know that IBM on demand business ad, right? Where there are two guys looking at a painting and analyzing it in every way possible and then this rustic looking guy comes upto them and says (in a very sure of himself kinda voice) that it looked like a horse to him. Well, that's Stony and me. And he's always so sure he's right. Well, he probably is, but he could give in sometimes... if only to balance the Universe. Everytime I talk to Stony, I feel like I'm the younger person in the relationship when its the friggin other way round. I hate being condescended to, but then when I tell him this, he transforms into this super-great, understanding, empathetic boyfriend and I can't stay mad at him. And that makes me all the more angry. Then, I realize I'm this perpetual cribber and I feel all the more guilty about it and it ends with me apologizing and him accepting it. And, I'm left feeling just as frustrated as I was before the conversation. Its a vicious cycle. I spent the time before I fell in love hoping to be in love and I'm spending the time I am in love wishing I wasn't. "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." - Matt Groening. ... pennies and nickels ... - March 25, 2005
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